someone threw a dead crab at me
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
