he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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