You made me cry and you don't even care
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
