Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Who died my cat blue again?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
