1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
