I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
