Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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