Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
