Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
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There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
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SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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