We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Randomize
