This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
