Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Randomize
