Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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