I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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