someone threw a dead crab at me
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
