you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
