it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
