Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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