My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
