look no pants
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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