I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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