Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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