I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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