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I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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