I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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