Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
