TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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