You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
