I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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