The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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