i permit you to call me
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
