you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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