I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
