Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
