When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
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