I puked a lego.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
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she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
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The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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