i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
