Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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