So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
my liver is dry heaving
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
