Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
