We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
