Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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