I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize