You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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