Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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