U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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