Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
