WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
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