I haven't been this sober since birth.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
