Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
