she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Randomize
