There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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