I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
