Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
