I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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