On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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