I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
