My liver just broke up with me...
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
