did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
