coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
accomplished twins. life is a go
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
