I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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