explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
