barbara walters just said penis...
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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